Viva Magazine about the Pornstar Experience
On March 2nd 2016, magazine Viva published a piece on the new trend "Men want rough sex." Owner Marike was interviewed about how many clients are requesting more rough sex, which with an escort is called the Pornstar Experience (PSE) The original article was published in Dutch but an English translation can be found below.
Sex is getting more and more rough. A LITTLE SOFTER PLEASE?
Choking, pulling hair, spanking. No, this is not a pornmovie, but a report of a first date. Journalist Amanda van Schaik hears more and more about it: sex is getting more and more rough. Why?
“We where laying on the bed and he groped me by my nek and squeezed it. I was not up for that, it does not excite me." tells Daphne (31) about a recent one night stand. I can not believe what I am hearing. Imagine a person you just met chocking you. But looks like I am the only one in shock. The rest of the group of women in my company - at a birthday party in Amsterdam - respond like Daphne's guy did noting weird. A guy chocking you during sex, doesn't that scream psychopath? "No, it's nothing like that", tells Daphne. "Nowadays it's really a trend." The women all agree. Jorien 36) understands my amazement. The first time she experienced anything like that, she was shocked as well. "He looked like such a normal guy, in his thirties, attractive, working as a marketeer. I met him in a bar, we hit it of so I went home with him. While kissing on the couch, touching each other a bit, he grabbed my throat. He squeezed it a little, no longer than a few seconds. It felt like massaging so fine. But then he squeezed longer so I couldn't breathe any more. What the hell? You don't do that without talking about it. I pulled away his arms and pushed him off me. He mumbled something like "okay" and didn't do it again." This is not the only experience of this kind for Jorien. "I think about a third of the men I've been with in the past few years have groped me by my throat. Sometimes just as a place to rest his hands, the other times to really choke. I am not a fan of it. I don't know why they did it, it was not like we where practicing breath play. I guess they just wanted to push or keep me in a position."
Mischa (29) also has experience with chocking. But contrary to Jorien she likes it. "I like rough sex. Not the soft sex but being taken roughly. And yes, pulling my hair and chocking me ar part of that. But not too hard or too long. I like a little bit of pain, also with a one night stand." Fine, what ever you want but I am shocked. The last time I was single, about six years ago, chocking and pulling hair was not a trend. Jorien feels her sexual adventures have become more rough throughout the years. "Thanks to Tinder it's very easy to set up a sedate. At first such a date would be the regular positions, nowadays I am often maneuvered into challenging positions, sometimes with force. Just like anal sex; before not done during the first night, now it seems like all men want to try it. My girlfriends tell me the same." When asking around with my single friends, turns out the majority has experience with rough sex. So is it really a trend? And if so, how did it become one?
Sexologist Minke de Boer believes casual sex has changed, compared to before: "Dating has become much more direct the past few years. Online possibilities and Tinder make it go much faster. Before you needed to get out to meet a person, all you need now are just a few swipes. Dating-apps are known for being most of all a meat inspection, so sexual contact is possible much faster than during regular dating." If sex has become more rough, she doesn't know. There's no scientific research and when asking other sexologists there is no confirmation. This was to be expected, because rough sex is usually not something you need a sexologist for. Mark Spiering, teaching sexology at the Amsterdam University, does feel the topic of rough sex is more present in discussions. And Gail Dines, an American professor in sociology and women studies is sure about it: sex is becoming more rough. She has spoken to hundreds, maybe thousands of students and concludes: Porn makes sex more rough. She talks about it in her book 'Portland: how porn has hijacked our sexuality'. Porn has become more hardcore the last few years. What used to be hardcore porn - a woman with ten men, double penetration, deep throat, rough sex - is now mainstream, she describes. And back in the day you would need to go to a videoshop to an obscure corner to select your erotic movie, nowadays you will have an extensive assortments with just a few clicks on your mouse. According to the professor, porn is very misogynistic. Analysis of porn showed 88% included aggression towards women - chocking, gagging, hitting. Some men will start to think this is what sex is like. Dines believes pornsex - aka thrusting into all body cavities like a robot - is real sex. Her conclusion: porn turns male viewers into selfish beings who get excited from humiliating women.
De Boer doesn't really agree with that. "Most people can separate porn from real life. They know porn is not realistic. In my practice I often hear men are aroused by a woman who enjoys having sex. But Dines does address an important point: watching porn will influence what we like in the bedroom. It changes our perception on what is normal. Research has sown that people who watch a lot of porn - both men and women - will often practice what they see in reality. Like shorter foreplay, anal sex, coming in the face of a partner." Also the escort industry feels the influence of porn. Marike van der Velden, owner of high class escortservice Society Service, noticed the request for more rough sex. This made her star offering the Pornstar Experience. "The name already describes the experience: it's as if the client is having sex with a pornstar. You can think about more active and adventurous positions, louder moaning, dirty talk, some spanking, pulling hair, using sex toys and perhaps anal sex. Keep in mind, booking such an experience offers no guarantee the actual experience is offered. It just means the escort is open to it. Between a client and an escort, the connection is also of importance. There is a build up to something and some things, like anal sex, require a certain amount of trust." For her book 'Escort Bijbel', in which Van der Velden offers an insight into the world of escorts, she has analyzed the requests of clients to see how popular this service is. Turns out; 12% book the Pornstar Experience. "The vast majority, 88% want the Girlfriend Experience, during which it feels like having sex with your girlfriend. I often hear new clients requesting all sorts of exciting requests. But after a while they turn back to a more intimate experience. The rough stuff looses it's attraction and the client wants tenderness, without all the fuss." What does stand out, is the increase of requests for anal sex. "About a quarter of all clients request this service. Even virgins: we offer a special Virgin Experience and then the virgin in question wants to have anal sex. Men who have never had sex before, often never even seen a naked female body in real life, want to have sex Greek style! They can only have picked this up from a porn movie, how else would they have gotten the idea? What the eyes see, the body wants."
Not like in the movie
A pornmovie as source of inspiration. Leonie (35) has seen it before. "Can I come in your face?' A guy once seriously asked me. Dude, what do you think? Some men should really watch less porn." Micha too experiences the influence of porn in the bedroom: "That's when they want to have anal sex right away. That's asocial right? To do that, I really need to know a person a lot better. Then it can be a turn on. I do like wild sex, but it should not be too rough. For example, I think men learn how to use their fingers from porn. But that's way too rough." Leonie agrees: "Twisting and groping roughly. I am not cream that needs to be whipped! Are you a man or a mixer?" Marike Vonk has specialized as a psychologist in special sexual preferences and clarifies: "Porn does not provide a realistic image of reality. Porn only shows men with rock hard erections, who have anal sex without any preparation or warm up. When this is your only source of information about sex, you might believe that's how it's done. That's why it's important to not only gain experience from porn but to have other real sexual education available."
There are many women who do enjoy more extreme sex. But what's the attraction of it? "Fear and pain can sexually arouse," explains Minke de Boer. "But often it seems the appeal is not withint he roughness but within the dominance." Sexual submission is a common female fantasy. According to sexologist De Boer this is not something that comes natural, it's learned behavior. "In many cultures there's still a double standard: men should be open about their sexual desires and women not. A woman who enjoys sex and has sex with multiple men, is not seen as cool. A man often is. Women often learn they should control their sexuality. When you are dominated in your fantasy, you place the responsibility outside yourself. That makes it easier to change your attention to what you are feeling and enjoy it." To fantasize about something doesn't mean you have to bring it into practice. De Boer: "It's a misconception that all fantasies are on your wishlist. Sometimes something is only exciting in your head, and you don't want to actually do it." The desire to be dominated and liking rough sex: nothing wrong with finding that arousing. But isn't chocking something you talk about beforehand? If you like it rough, at least be careful about your safety, explains psychologist Vonk: "Kinky sex with a person you don't know well, doesn't have to be dangerous. But not all things are risk free. If you are interested in bondage, for example, you might want to read up on it. There are many websites, video's, workshops and books on how to safely practice bondage. But with more rough types of sex, it's important to take it easy, listed to your body and talk about it with your partner." The latter seems to be forgotten. Misha: "Talking about sex is not sexy. Not knowing what the night will bring, makes it exciting. Often you feel what the other person wants, I think. You need to have chemistry in the bedroom first. And if I think he's boring, he most likely thinks I am too adventurous so there's no match."
Be the boss of your own ass
Is rough sex really more often on the menu than before? In the Amsterdam single life it seems to be. According to professor Dines it's because casual sex is characterized by lack of an intimate connection, which leads to rougher sex, influenced by porn or not. If we like it, opinions seem to differ. But what ever you do in the bedroom or outside, from regular sex to the works, do it because you want it, says Marijke Vonk. "Some people might feel pressured, by their partner or by what they see in the media and how others think about what sex is suppose to be like, to do things they do not want to do. Sex is personal, something you can do in the way you like it. Experimenting is possible, never mandatory." So if your Tinder-date pulls your hair while poking his erection against your backside, you can think Jeahhhh! But you can also say you're not up for that. Just because it happens in porn, doesn't mean it has to happen in your ass. If he insists, change roles: pull his hair, put something in his ass, and if he's really bendy, make him come in his own face. So he has his very own Pornstar Experience.