Viva Magazine about the Pornstar Experience
On March 27, magazine Viva published an article about how sex is getting rougher. A number of women talk about their experiences, but our high class escort service is also mentioned. We talk about our Pornstar Experience and the influence on inexperienced men, such as with the Ontknaapservice. The original article was published in Dutch but an English (partial) translation can be found below.
Sex that takes your breath away, but literally. Choking your throat, pulling your hair, spanking, anal sex: it is increasingly on the menu during a first sex date. Unless you don’t feel like it, of course.
“We were in bed when he suddenly grabbed my throat and choked me. Well, I didn’t feel like it at all. I don’t get excited about that,” Daphne (31, single) ends her story about a recent one night stand. I’m flabbergasted. Imagine, your one night stand chocking you. Scary! But I am the only one who is shocked. The rest of the women’s group in which I am standing at a birthday party in Amsterdam reacts as if Daphne says that her one-night stand gave her a pat on the head. But a guy who chokes your throat during sex, doesn’t that sound like a psychopath? “Nope, that’s not too bad,” says Daphne laconically. “It is really a thing nowadays.” The women around me nod in agreement. They estimate that from the men they’ve had sex with in the past years, half tried to choke them. Not like they were attempting breath play, but more to push the woman in a certain position and keep her there.
Some pain can be enjoyable
Mischa (29, single) also had a few chokers in bed. But unlike Jorien, she thinks that is very stimulating: “I like rough sex. Soft and calm sex does not excite me, I want to be taken hard. Pulling hair and choking is part of that. But not too hard and too long. I like a bit of pain. Also with an onenight stand.” Fine, whatever you want. But I’m flabbergasted. The last time I was single, about six years ago, I thought choking and hair pulling was not a thing. Jorien has the idea that the sexual adventures have become a lot rougher in the last few years: “Thanks to Tinder it is easier to arrange a sex date. While such an adventure first consisted of the missionary and the cowgirl, nowadays I am regularly maneuvered in the most challenging positions, sometimes very roughly. And previously anal sex was not done during the first time, nowadays it seems like every man wants to try. I hear the same from my friends. Nobody will be surprised if your onenightstand pulls your hair.” When I check out my single girlfriends and acquaintances, it appears that the majority have experience with rough sex. Is that in nowadays?
Sexologist Minke de Boer thinks that sex during a fling has changed: “Dating has become a lot more direct in recent years. Because of online possibilities and especially Tinder, everything goes much faster. Previously you had to wine and dine someone, now it’s a matter of a few swipes. This is especially true in large cities, because more singles live there and there are more loose contacts. I can imagine that there will be more experimentation, even if you just met each other.”
She does not dare say whether the sex has become more rough. There is no solid evidence, because research has not been done. A survey among several sexologists also provides no confirmation for this. This was to be expected, because rough, hard sex is not a problem for which you quickly turn to a therapist. Mark Spiering, lecturer in sexology at the University of Amsterdam, does notice during conversations with his students that rough sex seems to occur more often.
Gail Dines, an American professor of sociology and women’s studies, knows for sure: sex is getting rougher. She has spoken to hundreds, if not thousands of students, and concludes: porn makes sex rougher. She argues this in her book Pornland: how porn has hijacked our sexuality. Porn has become increasingly harder in recent years. What used to be hardcore – ten men with one woman, double penetration, deep throat, hardcore penetration – is now mainstream, Dines writes. And in the past you had to go to the video store to find an erotic film in an obscure corner, nowadays you can choose from an overwhelming assortment that are just a few clicks away. And this offer is particularly unfriendly to women, according to professor Dines. An analysis of popular porn videos showed that 88 percent contained physical aggression against women, such as open-handed beating, choking, and gagging (he brutally punches his penis in her mouth as if he were fucking her vagina). This gives men a distorted image of sex, says Dines: men think that the porn sex – brutally pumping into all the woman’s body cavities like some sort of robot – is real sex. She concludes: porn turns male viewers into selfish beings who get sexually excited about humiliating women.
Sexologist Minke de Boer finds this statement very exaggerated. “Because most people can make a distinction between porn and real life and know that porn is not realistic. In practice, I hear time and again that men get excited by a woman enjoying sex. But Dines points out an important point: watching porn does not happen in a vacuum, it seeps through our bedrooms.” Pornography influences our perception of what is considered normal in bed. Research shows that people who watch a lot of porn – both men and women – practice the behaviors they see in it more often. Such as shorter foreplay, anal sex, cumshot in the partner’s face,” says De Boer.
The influence of porn can also be felt in the escort world. Marike van der Velden is the owner of high class escort agency Society Service and noticed that there was a demand for more intense sex. That is why she created the Pornstar Experience. “The name says it all, as if the client is having sex with a porn star. Think of active and adventurous positions, moan louder, dirty talk, soft spanking, hair pulling, the use of toys and possibly anal sex,” Van der Velden explains. “Note: booking this experience offers no guarantee that the service will be provided. It means that the escort lady is open to it. A connection is also important between the customer and the escort. Something is being built up in a certain moment. And some acts, such as anal sex, do require some form of trust, also between the client and the escort lady.”
For her book Escort bible, in which Van der Velden offers a glimpse into the world of escorts, she has examined the clients’ requests to see how popular this service is. It turns out: 12 percent book the Pornstar Experience. “The large majority, 88 percent, goes for the Girlfriend Experience, during which it feels like you’re having sex with a girlfriend. What I often see is that regular customers have all kinds of exciting requests in the beginning, but after a while they’ve seen it all and they go for a softer get-together. Enjoying tenderness, without attributes, there is a need for it.” What strikes her is the increased interest in anal sex. “A quarter of the clients ask for this. Even virgins want it. We offer the Virgin Experience. I regularly receive a request whereby the virgin in question also wants anal sex. Men who have never had sex before, who usually have not even seen a nude female body in real life, ask for anal sex! They must have seen that in a porn movie, how else do they get the idea? The body wants what the eye sees.”
Sexual submission is a popular subject of erotic fantasies for many women. According to the American clinical psychologist Marianne Brandon this is a primordial instinct, women have a biological urge for a dominant, assertive man. But De Boer says that the desire to be overpowered is not innate but learned behavior. “In most cultures there is still a double standard: men can be more open about their sexual needs. It is less desirable for women to be explicit. A woman who loves sex and sex with different men is not seen as cool but a man is often.
Women have received the message far more than men have had to contain their sexual feelings. If you are overpowered in your imagination, you put the responsibility outside of yourself and it may therefore be easier to focus your attention on what you feel and to enjoy this. De Boer: “That your fantasies are a wish list is a misconception. Sometimes something is only exciting in your head and you don’t act on it in real life.”
Kinky sex not without risk
The desire to be overpowered and to enjoy rough sex: nothing wrong with that to get a lady boner out of it. But it seems to me that choking is something you discuss in advance, right? If you like rough sex, pay attention to safety, psychologist Marijke Vonk also says: ‘Kinky sex with someone you don’t know well doesn’t necessarily have to be dangerous, so if you like it rough during a one night stand, is that fine. But not all forms of kinky sex are without risk.
If you are interested in bondage, for example, it may be beneficial to gain some information about it. There are websites, videos, workshops and books on how you can work with various forms of kinky sex in a safe, sensible and voluntary manner. It is especially with more violent forms of sex that it is important to take it easy, to listen carefully to your body and to be able to communicate openly with your partner(s). “That communication sometimes is left out. Mischa: “Talking about sex is not sexy. Not knowing what the night brings makes it exciting. You often sense what the other wants, I think. A connection is important in the bedroom. And if I find him boring, he probably finds me too adventurous and it is not a match.”
When you rely on the experiences of metropolitan bachelors, rough sex seems to be on the menu much more often than in the past. According to Professor Dines, this is because casual sex is characterized by a lack of commitment and intimate connection, which in turn leads to harder sex that is influenced by porn. Whether we like that, opinions are divided on that. Whatever you do in the bedroom or beyond, everyday sex or rough and kinky sex, do it because you want it yourself, psychologist Marijke Vonk emphasizes: “Some people can – by what they see in the media, what they themselves think about how sex is suppose to be or from their partner – feel pressured to do things they don’t want. Sex is something personal, something you have to experience in a way that suits you. Experimenting or trying out exciting things is possible, but certainly not an obligation. ”So if your Tinderate pulls your hair while he is pushing his condom-covered erection against your anus, you can think jippiejajee, but you can always say you’re not into that. That it happens in a porn movie does not mean that it has to happen in your anus. If he insists, turn the roles around: you can certainly pull his hair, put something in his anus and if he is a bit agile, he can cum in his own face. That way, you also have a pornstar experience.